Part of it is that it hit me today that I really was in danger of dying on Saturday, and not only did that not happen but it was my wonderful husband who I love more than anyone & anything who saved me.
Also, I feel like things may be getting better on the job front as far as stress goes. My supervisor has agreed that we should talk to HR about more flexibility in my schedule due to my ADD. Right now we have a 3 minute window before we are considered late. We get one "free" late per week & anything after that counts against us. I've already got a written warning in my file about too many lates. This is something I should have dealt with sooner, but even though I know my ADD is a disability, I don't think of myself as disabled when it comes to stuff like this. And I should.
I was doing research and I found a fair amount of documentation that shows that the ADD person perceives time differently than a normal person & is frequently late because they almost always underestimate how much time something needs in addition to having all the distractions in their way that a normal person can deal with. I've been beating myself up over it the last few months telling myself to just get on the ball and get to work on time. Then I can't find my keys, or I forget to take the garbage down, or the car starts beeping because I forgot to get gas. Then I get to work & punch in anywhere between 4 & 10 minutes late and spend the rest of the day starting in a slump because I feel I've failed again.
If my job involved something like being on the phones & not making that 3 minute window affected my ability to be doing what I needed to when I needed to, then it would be a different story. But I do data entry. If I start it a few minutes later & make up those few minutes at night it doesn't affect anything. And flexible scheduling is one of the biggest accomodations that all the literature talks about for ADD employees, as well as distraction free work areas. When we talk to HR I'm not going to say I don't want any restrictions on my time for punching in and out, I'm just going to try to get a window bigger than that 3 minutes. I will still be trying to be there before eight, I just don't want to be afraid I'm going to lose my job for something I've been trying very hard to change & just can't.
I just have to substantiate my arguments with research, and point out that ADD is protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act. Just because it is a "hidden disability" doesn't mean I shouldn't try to fight for myself. It's just hard for me to go to HR and say "Look, I have a disability. I need help" because I didn't even know about it until I was 28 years old & even after finding out i didn't consider myself disabled, I just figured that now I knew why some things were harder for me.
So, that turned into a much bigger rambling than I intended. What can I say? I have ADD! :) But now it's time for me to try to go to sleep. I still have my cold so NyQuil shall be my friend again. Nitey-nite everyone. I hope you all had a wonderful valentines day!