October 30th, 2010

Ordinary humans

Tired yet happy

Yes, if you're looking at the time this was posted it's right. 5 freaking 30 in the morning. No, I didn't wake up this early. I haven't been to bed yet....
We went to a friend's Halloween party and I had a smidge too much wine. But that's not what's keeping me up. On no, I was stupid enough to say "gosh, I'm yawning. It's too early for that." So I took a Ritalin. Now I'm awake when I should darn well be sleeping. :-/
That was dumb.
But on the plus side, I got to chat with some people on Facebook & Twitter that I don't normally get to.
But you know what? Even though I should be in bed and I'm going to be hella tired tomorrow I don't care. You know why? Because I'm happy. I'm genuinely satisfied with life right now. I know things aren't perfect, I'm not delusional.
But this last month? O.M.G. Such a change over the last year!
That's the god damn sucky evil thing about depression. It's sneaky. You think you're fine, then it creeps in and slowly takes away the fine. And it's gradual. You don't know it's there. Then one day you're talking to your therapist and realize that you're depressed.
And it's not just a little depression. Oh no. You're stuck deep. Deeper than you've been in years. Worst than you've been in more than a freaking decade.
With as long as I've been diagnosed with depression, I feel like a freaking idiot for not realizing how bad things were. Over the last year I had been sinking into a pit of darkness & hopelessness & despair and didn't even know it.
Now, I've been off Wellbutrin and on Prozac for just over a month. I can't even begin to describe the difference. It's like when my depression was first diagnosed and treated. It's like I didn't know that it was possible to feel good.
I look back on the last year that was progressively getting worse and I wonder how I could have been so dumb as to not realize things were getting bad.
But that's the bitch of depression. If you were fine one day and depressed the next it would be easy to see. It's just not that easy.
So yeah, I'm an idiot who stayed up far too late and will be crazy tired tomorrow. But at least I'm a tired idiot who can see the bright side of life now!
Good night, and I love you all!