Someone knows too many people with the same name:
"I know one too many Aarons.
Which is to say I know two. And that's one to many.
One of you shall be nicknamed Fluffy from here on out. And I'm not telling
you which one of you has earned the moniker."
apocalypsos is amused at work:
"I think my new favorite thing on the planet is when fighting breaks out at work and the lesbian and the vegetarian decide to break it up by shouting at each other:
Lesbian: 'Go eat a cheeseburger!'
Vegetarian: 'Oh, go suck a cock!'"
Someone on the flist has been reading too much slash fic:
"I see slash everywhere...even in cartoon animals
dude, so I was just flipping channels, flying through the 5 channels I receive here, and I had to stop and backtrack because....
there was this kid's cartoon, and all the barnyard animals were crowded around this sheep. and they were all staring at his ass. and the sheep was like...lying on the ground with his back arched like he was...presenting himself.
*dies of laughter*
I'm so dirty. I'm sure there was a perfectly innocent explanation but...I swear to god, it as like a farm animal gangbang waiting to happen. they all looked so intent on his ass, and the sheep was like...begging for it.
*smacks her forehead and crawls off in shame*
The joys of watching movies with family:
"Characters To Whom My Parents Referred During a Recent Viewing of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Of Whose Existence I Was Not Previously Aware
mle292 ponders icons:
"Currently, I have 61 icons.
Three are vomit related.
I still have quite a bit of room for more icons."
stoney321 rocked the Texas Master Gardener volunteer help line back in November:
"Well, I'm at the Master Gardener's office today, pitching in on the volunteer help line this morning. Wheeee! Here are some of the random questions I've gotten from the Public At Large:
"Can I shoot armadillos in my backyard?" Sir, you live in the center of a large metrpolis. If you want to go to jail, then by all means. Shoot away! ??
"Where can I find a cannon to get ducks off my lawn?" Seriously, this is the best one in the history of humanity. This man BOUGHT A HOUSE ON A LAKE. And doesn't like ducks on the bottom half of his four acres. So he's gonna set up a CANNON. And he's all crotchety and curmudgeon esque. Good lord, get a dog.
"Is it a problem that bees are 'growing' in my house?" Okay, this is actually tricky one. Does he mean a HIVE is growing? Because yes, that's an expensive problem best handled ASAP. Or does he mean he has MUTANT BEES in his house? Because he needs to see the guy with the cannon and ducks. Or the armadillo cowboy.
"How can I stop my oaks from making acorns?" Cut the tree down. DON'T PLANT OAK TREES. What???
"My grass is turning brown and dying. What can I do?" Um, wait until March. We live where grass dies in winter. I can't stress how panicked this guy was. OMG my grass!! MY GRASS!!!
from a walk-in: "How do I crack black walnuts?" He had a huge sack of walnuts, which I guess we were going to need for all of our experiments. I imagined some Rube Goldberg type contraptions involving the various taxidermied animals here for the Animal Control office, pruning sheers, and the cases of butterflies. Instead, I just told him to get a hammer. The contraptions would have been more fun, especially since I would have made the Pee Wee's Big Adventure music."
stoney321 has more tales of the funny from the Master Gardener's office:
"I was here at the MG office training a newbie and the man was in his late 50s. And posed in a nude calendar of other "elder gardeners." AND KEPT TRYING TO SHOW ME. Wtf, people??? *cries* I DO NOT WANT TO SEE 87 YEAR OLD MEN WITH A STRATEGICALLY PLACED WHEELBARROW IN SEDUCTIVE POSITIONS!
Oh, laws, will this year never end??? Hahaha. Ew. OH!! One last thing, and it's HILARIOUS, and I forgot, dammit. BEST CALL IN QUESTION EVER: "How do I get rid of 30 acres of marijuana?" *boggles* Answer I gave: well, that depends. DO you want to make a profit? And how well do you know your local law inforcement? WOW."
swmbo's cat, swmkit, apparently has plans for her:
"Yesterday I was sitting at the computer and I heard a noise from the stairs-by-the-kitchen. I looked over to see swmkit coming *up* from the kitchen, carrying a knife in his mouth. A sharp knife, the kind used for vegetable cutting.
A knife. In his MOUTH.
I just...I just...
Seriously. WHY, swmkit, WHY?!"
swmbo works at a place she calls LutherCorp and I WANT TO WORK THERE! Alas, it is not in Minneapolis. Here are some of her recent work happenings:
"So, ok, the fact that it is an open bar and it starts at 6:30 which means I can probably make my escape by like, 9 (right?! Before the Karaoke starts?! PLEASE?) means that I will go to the dang Christmas party.
(Last year there was pumpkin soup but it was at the end of the buffet, after the meat and with no bowls near it, so everybody thought it was gravy and put it on their mashed potatoes. Except swmbo, because she doesn't usually put gravy on her mashed potatoes. TRUE STORY!! It was apparently faintly sweet and very weird. So I'm already scared!)"
"hello, Monday is my BIRTHDAY and if people aren't celebrating, well, there will be a PRICE to PAY. I'll send swmkit over to your house with a knife clutched between his teeth, don't think I won't!"
"I currently have one nerf gun pointed at me and one 'usb-powered rocket launcher' pointed at me. NOBODY SHOULD GIVE COWORKERS WEAPONS FOR CHRISTMAS, OK?!"
"We're doing our celebrity death watch and I have to come up with my ten. Normally I go for the Golden Girls, on the theory that there could be a reunion special with a freak accident. (Yes, it's sick and morbid. NO I DO NOT CARE!). Except apparently the key to living a long life is to be picked by me to be put on the list. "
It's not a funny flist post without an appearance from the lovely (and sex-obsessed) felisblanco. Just another family dinner for her:
"Dinner with mum and the whole sibling+mates+kids deal:
Mum: So I was thinking of doing the gingerbread next weekend. If you bring the kids over then you can get a little time for yourself.
Sis: Do some x-mas shopping
Hubby: Catch a movie.
Me: Catch a quickie.
Me: What? With two kids you gotta grab every opportunity.
Sis: Haha. So what movie are you gonna see?
Me: Casino Royal. Hey, we can catch a movie and a quickie. If we sit in the back row.
Mum: So maybe I'll invite your inlaws to dinner. Have an inlaw night. The sons and daughter inlaw and their parents.
Me: So just the inlaws? Not us, your children? What are we supposed to do then? Hey, we can go see Casino Royal!
Brother: I'm not going to a movie with you! No one is ever gonna want to go to a movie with you ever again.
Hubby: And you know, he's been to the movies three times last week. *eg*
Me: *grins* What movies again?
Brother: Very funny. Börn and Mýrin (Icelandic movies) and Casino Royal with my friend XXXXXX.
Me: Did you remember to bring home fish?
Brother: *chokes from laughing*
Everyone else: Felis!
Me: What? *grins*
Big sis and mum: I don't get it. What fish?
Everyone else: *rolls eyes*
Mum: So you'll all come here Christmas day.
Me: *pouts* Our tradition of doing nothing on Christmas day is being royally screwed over.
Mum: Not like you have to do much. Just show up for dinner!
Me: Yes, but we kinda have this tradition of never even changing out of our sleeping wear.
Mum: Then come wearing those. I don't care.
Me: You know, we actually sleep naked.
Mum: You are not showing up to my dinner party naked!
Little sis: You know, I'm surprised you only have two children the way you go on.
Me: Having two kids you don't really have time to make more.
Sis: Except at the movies.
Me: *grins* Exactly! Back row... in the dark...
Big sis: Felis!
Hubby: You're being exceptionally bad tonight, dear.
Me: What? Me? What do you mean? "