But the main reason is that I haven't been doing much of anything lately.
I know I've talked before about suffering from both depression and ADD. In the last couple weeks I've come to the realization that my depression is at the worst it's been in literally years. I joke and say that I've been on anti-depressants since I started dating Rick, but the reality is that I'm on anti-depressants because he was the first person to ever look deep enough to see the symptoms of depression. After trying to figure out medication and finding one that worked I was amazed to learn that it was possible to not be sad all the time. I've suffered from depression for pretty much my whole life. I remember lying in bed as a kid with my pillows & blankets over my head wishing that I'd just die in my sleep. In our family the focus was all on my little brother who had ADHD & learning disabilities. I was the "easy kid," the one they didn't think they needed to worry about so they just didn't.
Over the last 9-10 months we’ve changed my medication for various reasons and it had seemed to be working fine at first. But being the creeping monster that it can be, my depression had been slowly coming back, stronger than it’s been in years. When it seemed to be worsening after I started on Wellbutrin we increased the dose and I was better for a while. The problem with depression though is that you're not just fine one day and then suffering the next. It's gradual. You don't even know it's happening usually. And because I had over 12 years of well managed medication and had only changed it a few times in all those years, I didn't remember what the world felt like under this black cloud. Once I figured out that this was what's happening it seems so obvious, but it doesn't make it that much easier to deal with it.
I love my primary care physician and she's been managing my meds for several years. This switch to Wellbutrin though and how bad it's gotten without me realizing as it was happening has me trying to get in to see a psychiatrist. Now I remember why I had Dr. Reierson take over my prescriptions when my last psychiatrist I saw retired. It's a TWO MONTH WAIT to get in as a new patient. Two fucking months. I'm going to see Dr. R in 2 weeks (of course she's on vacation now... stupid Murphy's Law!) to see what we can do to get me through until I can see the specialist. Seriously, how do people get through this if they don't have anyone to see in the long wait to see a psychiatrist? It's going to be a long couple months until I get out of this pit and feel like myself again. But like G.I. Joe says, "Now you know, and knowing is half the battle." When things feel really bad I'm going to just have to tell my self that it will get better.